a peek inside…

So, I’m in the middle of reading Grace for the Good Girl.  Although I can’t relate to every aspect of being the “good girl” she writes about, there are many familiarities that I can relate to.  Like believing that I must “perform” in order to be regarded.  I know what it feels like to wear masks and please people.  I can relate to the fear of thinking, “What if they knew the real me?”  This book is beautifully written.  It’s poignant yet simple.  It speaks to my heart and slowly, page by page, gives me permission to unveil the façade behind the “try-hard” life.  Best of all, it brings me a little closer to living wholly as I was meant to live- free from bondage and free from relying on myself; allowing me to trust and fully accept the all sufficient grace that has been there all along… 

Here’s a little peek… 

If my story were a planet, then your rejection of me would be my nuclear holocaust.  This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage.  And so I am cautious in my love.  I am timid in my faith.  My life tells a small story.  I long to be seen, but I feel safe when I’m invisible.

So I stay a good girl.  And I hide.

I hide behind my smile and laid-back personality.  I hide behind fine and good.  I hide behind strong and responsible.  I hide behind busy and comfortable and working hard toward your expectations.  And if I do not meet your expectations, I hide behind indifferent.  And though the purpose of my mask is to fool you, don’t be fooled.

The energy it takes to live for you is killing me — to see me through your eyes, to search for myself in your face, to be sure you are pleased as it regards me.  I want you to always regard me.

Please, by all means, regard me.  I beg you to see me, to notice my goodness, to ignore my failure, to be inspired by my beauty, to be captivated by my essence.  I want my loveliness to overwhelm you such that you cannot catch your breath.

And then there is God.

I know God is big enough to redeem the unruly, the rejected, and the addict.  I know about the God who reaches way down into the pit and the One whose love stretches to the heavens.  But I fear he misses the details.  What about the girl in the middle?

I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem.  But what if I do and he doesn’t?  I feel fear.  It washes over me with its lies and half-truths.  The lies aren’t blatant.  They marry themselves with a little bit of truth so the distinction is blurry at best.  And so I practice the presence of fear and refuse the presence of Jesus.

I lived this toxic way for many years before I understood about The Rescue.  I live it still, when I forget that I’ve been found.  Even for those to whom truth has been revealed, fear can be a loud and abusive motivator.

Fear drives.

But Love leads.

That invisible good girl pushes me around.  Fear drives, pushing and shoving.  Love leads, working deeply and gently within.  As I risk exposure to this Love, I catch a glimpse of His goodness, I am inspired by His beauty, I am captivated by His essence.  His loveliness overwhelms me such that I cannot catch my breath.

And before I realize it, there has been a holy shift.  My insatiable need to prove my own goodness to God and the world fades into the background, and instead I receive truth and offer worship to the only One deserving of it.