In God We Trust

11 July 2006

Like most couples who want children, we looked forward to the day we would start our own family. Everyone told us how cute our kids were going to be and of course, we wanted to believe that too. I think we all fantasize that our children would only have the best of our combined characteristics, physical attributes, and personality traits. To a certain extent, we are all somewhat vain and self-absorbed in that way. We carefully planned our life and decided to revel in the bliss of our marriage for the first couple of years. We wanted to travel more and enjoy just being together and forming a solid foundation before we got serious about starting a family. Of course, life doesn't always end up the way we plan. God had another plan for us.

After about a year of trying to get pregnant on our own, we decided it was time to get checked out. I guess we wanted to know medically, if it was possible. We both had some testing done and the results proved that nothing was medically abnormal. The doctors recommended that I take some medicine that would help me ovulate on a regular basis and produce more eggs in hopes of giving us more chances. This is the typical protocol when a woman isn't getting pregnant. Unfortunately, there are some side effects to this drug. I won't get into them here but let's just say, it wasn't pleasant. The next step in fertility treatments were hormone injections. Needless to say, these were a pain in the butt... literally! Morgan had to inject me everyday for about 10 days straight during my cycle. I spent many days in the doctor's office having ultrasounds done. By doing an ultrasound every other day or so, you can monitor your follicle growth to see when the best time of conception would be. Morgan would wait for the call at his office saying, "Come home now!" We went through this month after month but nothing was happening. The injections also had some side effects. Mostly it just made you feel like you were pregnant but you weren't.

Being on a mission to create this baby encompassed most of our third year of marriage. Even though we were disappointed each month, we both had great faith that we would be blessed with a child someday. I can honestly say that I never felt depressed or sorry for myself. Because our faith is grounded in God, we asked for wisdom, courage, and most of all, patience.

After a year of trying different treatments, our doctor recommended the next step... invitro (IVF). We hadn't really considered it. We didn't even know how we felt about it. We have friends who have done IVF and some have been successful, while others have tried 3 or 4 times and have not. There are some very important decisions to make in IVF. It is certainly a personal choice and we respect all those who have gone through that emotional and physical process. I'll never forget driving home that day from the doctor's office. We were both in quiet reflection. The decision of IVF was looming ahead. At that moment, driving down Wilshire Blvd., heading toward the Pacific Coast Highway, a peace flowed over me and I felt God's love and protection. In the months before, I felt that God was trying to speak to me. I was often too busy going to the next doctor's appointment and basically trying to do things my way. One afternoon when I slowed down, stood still, and read my bible, I heard God's voice say over and over..."I WILL NOT FORSAKE YOU" (rather sternly I might add, since I'm a little hard-headed). That afternoon, driving home from the doctor, I remembered that. I turned to my sweet husband and said, "We have another option." I told him that we could stop all treatments and put our full trust in God. He looked at me, smiled, and said that that was the only decision that felt RIGHT. With that, we decided to stop all treatments and doctor visits. We would trust in God's plan for our lives, even if it's different than our own. God had never failed us before. Morgan and I have always felt that we were brought together for a purpose. This was evident in our marriage early on but now, even more so. I felt as if a cloud had just been lifted. At this point, we still did not know that we were going to adopt. We just knew that we both felt free, at peace and excited about what the future would bring.
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