Last week, Morgan brought to my attention an article he had read on MSN called "Embracing the Uncertainty" by Hugh O'Neill. It encouraged Dads to embrace the chaos that comes with fatherhood, ultimately, making it a richer experience. Here's an excerpt from the article..."The whole gig was disorienting. I was a bingety-bangety guy who could find his way to the bottom line in a flash, but suddenly there was no bottom line, just a welter of laughs and dreads and I-don't-knows and maybes. There's a good reason John Wayne played only soldiers and cowboys, and never a dad with kids in tow. For soldiers, the enemy is clear; for cowboys, the frontier is thataway. But fatherhood is no country for certain man. It's a land of inklings and hunches and half-formed hopes. It's a kind of emotional jazz. You'll be better at it and enjoy it more the less clarity you require.
Now, I got smart about this late. I stood stubbornly by my original specs for being a man for too long. I was rigid, too determined to make sure that A+B=C. So I missed some of the good stuff, and my kids missed my best too."
It goes on to say...
"I am dead set against the idea that a man should let on to his kids that he knows nothing. Dad shouldn't just be some fool who lives with Mom. The kids need a figure of some command in their life. But there are no holds barred on what confusions and uncertainties a man might confess to himself. And the secret to being a good father and enjoying the gig is to tear yourself loose from that which you think you know, and to savor the confounding surprise of people blooming right in your own back-yard. Let it go, my brother. It will be all right. Don't be so sure. Forgive. The only certain thing is that you love them fiercely, and that you've taken on some durable obligations. Everything else is up for grabs.
You know how we chase those adrenal experiences: standing at the top of a mountain, jumping out of a plane, driving faster than we should? You know how we're attracted to those feelings of being just this much out of control? Well, try fatherhood without having a lot of ideas about it. It's not unlike free fall. "Sell your cleverness," wrote the 13th-century mystic Rumi, "and purchase bewilderment." That guy must have had kids."
Other things that we both found interesting:
Avoid comparing your kids (easy to do with twins!). Because we as adults, like to generally put things in handy categories, we are often the ones who create inaccurate conclusions. These lies can find their way into what kids think of themselves and keeps us from seeing each of them clearly.
Resist Conclusions. Our assessment of how our child is may or may not be right. Just remember to frequently question that appraisal. For as long as you can, let your kid just be a kid, not a certain type of kid. Your child is in process. Let that process work. Hold your fire.
Trust time. The bad things in life usually appear quickly and the good things take time to unfold. Resist the quick fix and be patient. Sometimes, the best strategy is to just love them and wait.
Most importantly, embrace the frazzle and have fun! After all, they are on loan to us!
I am so blessed to have a husband who is always willing to learn more about his role as a father and as a husband. There are many guys out there that are just too proud or too lazy to hear any advice, much less try to apply it. Being that Morgan is the type of person who always strives to do his best at everything, he feels that there is always room for improvement and wants to learn more. He is a great Dad (and hubby!) and all of his girls love him madly. I couldn't ask for a better partner!
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